February 1st, 2012 by Norm Trainor, The Covenant Group

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The death of a par­ent is a defin­ing moment in our lives. My father died in March of 2009. I was con­duct­ing a work­shop in Des Moines, Iowa for a group of top advi­sors and received two calls from my brother and wife within five min­utes of each other around 9:30 AM. Their num­bers were on my Black­berry and I sus­pected some­thing seri­ous hap­pened. When I called them back, their num­bers were busy. I called my office and my assis­tant, Arlene, relayed the news about my father. I com­pleted the work­shop and flew back to Toronto that evening. My dad was 91 and suf­fered from alco­hol related demen­tia which was pro­gres­sively impair­ing his abil­ity to func­tion. How­ever, he still rec­og­nized me when I had vis­ited him and I mourned his loss. We had a very close rela­tion­ship and I loved him dearly. The fol­low­ing are some lessons that I learned from him.

1. Focus on the Future, Under­stand the Past

Through­out my life, my dad con­sid­ered him­self a fail­ure. Prior to get­ting mar­ried and hav­ing chil­dren, he had been an excel­lent ath­lete and an under­cover detec­tive in North­ern Ire­land who had been shot three times in a gun bat­tle with an IRA leader. He almost died and I sus­pect, suf­fered from post-traumatic stress syn­drome. As a result, he left the police force. Unfor­tu­nately, he never set­tled into a career. He mar­ried my mother and had two sons within the next three years. The mar­riage was fraught with ten­sions and both of my par­ents were very unhappy in the rela­tion­ship. He strug­gled to define him­self and increas­ingly sought solace in par­ty­ing and alco­hol. From my ear­li­est rec­ol­lec­tions, he talked about his life ret­ro­spec­tively. It was as if he felt his oppor­tu­nity to build a suc­cess­ful life and career had been taken away. He was a won­der­ful sales­man and a very charm­ing man. Yet, he drifted from one job to another. He seemed unable to resolve his sense of loss and focus on a future direc­tion that inspired him.

As a child, I did not under­stand that my father’s sense of fail­ure was not a con­se­quence of the events in his life. Rather, it was his response to those expe­ri­ences. Our lives are filled with dis­ap­point­ments and unre­al­ized dreams. The true test of our char­ac­ter comes from our response to these disappointments.

Often, when a par­ent does not resolve a dilemma in their own life, it is left to their chil­dren to fig­ure it out. For me, the les­son is that the future dri­ves the present, not the past. The clearer we are about our future direc­tion, the more likely we are to real­ize our dreams. How­ever, to focus on the future, we must first under­stand how our past shapes our beliefs and actions.

2. Acknowl­edge Those Around You

My dad was a warm and gen­er­ous man. When I was grow­ing up, all of my friends adored my dad. He knew them all by name and expressed an inter­est in their lives. If he came home and I was sit­ting with my friends in front of our home, he would flip quar­ters to each of us and tell us to go have a treat. Later in his life, he was known as the Mayor of the Beach. We lived in a small enclave in Toronto known as the Beach. My dad acknowl­edged every­one on the street. Peo­ple came to know him because of his greet­ings and warm smile. I still meet peo­ple who speak warmly of his impact upon them. He taught me that it does not take a lot of effort to acknowl­edge others.

3. Look for the Great­ness in People

One of the qual­i­ties I have observed in great sales­peo­ple is that they see the great­ness in oth­ers. My dad had that qual­ity. All of us have gifts. When you look for the best in peo­ple, you often find it. My dad encour­aged those around him to aspire and focus on their dreams. The irony was that he could see the great­ness in oth­ers, but not in himself.

4. The Impor­tance of Laughter

My dad taught me how to laugh. He had a great sense of humour and loved to tease peo­ple. His humour was not mali­cious. There is some­thing very ther­a­peu­tic about laugh­ter. One of my touch­stones for my own health is the Ardell Well­ness Index. It pro­vides 21 guide­lines for main­tain­ing health and well being. My favourite guide­line is to have 16 hearty laughs a day.

Sum­mary

The most impor­tant les­son my father taught me was the power of love. For all of his feel­ings, I always knew that he loved me. His love was uncon­di­tional. In our inter­ac­tions, I was often the only one who could per­suade him to do things. In the later years of his life, when he was strug­gling with demen­tia and could not care for him­self, I was the only one whom he would allow to give him a bath and look after his basic needs. His resis­tance was easy to over­come, because I knew he loved me and “no” did not really mean no.

Norm Trainor is the founder of The Covenant Group, a com­pany spe­cial­iz­ing in prac­tice devel­op­ment for advi­sors. For fur­ther infor­ma­tion, visit his Web site at www​.covenant​group​.com.

Fol­low The Covenant Group at:

Norm Trainor is the Founder and CEO of The Covenant Group, a company that specializes in educating and coaching financial advisors and entrepreneurs and providing them with business tools to enhance their performance. He can be reached at norm@covenantgroup.com or 1-877-903-3878 X333. Read more from the author/contributor here.

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Tags: Arlene, Charming Man, Death Of A Parent, Defining Moment, Dementia, Des Moines, Gun Battle, Having Children, Ira Leader, Moines Iowa, Norm Trainor, Northern Ireland, Partying, Police Force, Post Traumatic Stress, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, Recollections, Sense Of Loss, Solace, Traumatic Stress Syndrome, Undercover Detective
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Comments

One Response to “Lessons My Father Taught Me”

1. alexandra stockfish Says:
   June 23rd, 2010 at 10:46 am

   Your Dad must have been a tru­ely beau­ti­ful per­son who taught you the most impor­tant secrets to liv­ing life. I enjoyed this arti­cle and wish you the best.